DBA YLD also helps run “5 For The Kids.” This is a 5k/Fitness Walk held in Downtown Dayton on May 25, 2012. There is still time to sign up and get your fitness on. Once again all proceeds go to Care House. I am hoping to be at the 5k but I am not sure yet. If anything I hope to get the free t-shirt for my collection.

On to the news… from time to time I do some divorce work as part of my practice. I often have a variety of clients who I have to advise on difficult issues regarding their now deteriorating relationship. While I would never advise this:

it is awesome. A Superior, Wisconsin woman presented this traffic-stopping gesture at the expense of her ex-husband. They say cheater’s never prosper but they don’t say anything about old ladies cruising for garage sales. This “X-Husband Sale” was accompanied with “Free” signs on everything. Not to mention the spray-painted car. Just  the cherry on the top of a hate filled sundae.

P.S. If you are reading this and you are a client of mine: DO NOT DO THIS!

Sometimes you don’t even have to be married for their to be anger in the relationship. Take Paige Parkerson for example. Parkerson has been charged with murder after stabbing her two children’s father, Clifton “JR” Barkin, because he bought her flowers and a Mother’s Day card from Wal-mart. Parkerson expected a more expensive gift, such as jewelry.

Enough is enough Hallmark. See what you have done. Making up fake holidays for people to expect gifts 24/7/365. You know what is even crazier… it’s MOTHER’S DAY not MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN DAY! Paige isn’t JR’s mama. He doesn’t have to give you anything. Why don’t you put down the knife and be passive aggressive to your two children about the lack of macaroni necklaces? They are the one’s who are to give you gifts. Wally World and Hallmark, ruining families since 1910.

P.S. Totally unrelated but completely related… Have you seen these Wal-mart steak commercials? Where they switch steakhouse steaks for Wal-mart steak.  Completely outrageous. If I go to a steakhouse and drop a couple Benjamins on my meal and you switch out that USDA Prime Choice Dry Aged Old 96’er I will go Paige Parkerson on you.

However, today might top all of them. Let’s start with Keithan Manuel. Mr. Manuel, whose first name, I can only assume, was the result of one parent wanting Keith and the other wanting Nathan, is in a Dallas County Jail facing several charges. Luckily for police, the commute wasn’t very far to arrest Keithan since he tried to rob the police station.

Yea.

The Police Station.

Manuel, 18, entered the Police Department with a towel covering his hands and demanded money. While Manuel didn’t actually have a weapon, he did state to dispatcher Patrice Hughey, “You know I have a gun, right?” Police quickly responded, and by that I mean stood up at their desk, and were able to subdue Manuel. Keithan claims he was just joking but is still being held in jail on the burglary charge. I don’t even think a lawyerly tip is needed here.

Everyone who is a regular reader knows my distaste/love for idiotic 9-1-1 phone calls. Well let’s add another one to the Hall of Fame list. Clyde Hobbs called emergency operators in Oklahoma at least 17 times in one day. Hobbs’ emergency… his desire for a 911 booty call. Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner. Forget calling those 1-800 numbers when you can just call 911 and get some sexy talk. When cops arrived Hobbs stated, “Are you here to arrest me again?”

Swag. All you can say about Clyde Hobbs.  Other than he has a fantastic name. His mugshot gives the boogeyman the creeps. Without question he is the scary neighbor Finsterwald from Maniac Magee. “I don’t always call 911, but when I do, I call for dirty talk.”

Gifts are always difficult. What to get the man who has everything? Take Jorge Victorino-Vazquez of Las Vegas. Jorge had a birthday coming up and wanted to spoil himself for having a good year. His decision: hire a hitman to kill his wife. Apparently it’s his birthday; she can die if he want to. Jorge was willing to pay $2,000 dollars to have the deed done. Unfortunately for him, Jorge was paying an undercover officer and was subsequently arrested with solicitation to commit murder, conspiracy to commit murder and burglary.

I don’t think I need to give any lawyerly tip as to how dumb it is to hire a hitman. Obviously don’t do it. Having said that, there is nothing worse than getting a bad present. Ruins your entire birthday. Open up the box only to have sheer disappointment. Then you have to put on some sort of Academy Award winning performance talking about how much you love it and how you have always wanted one.

Perhaps Jorge should have went hunting with Steven Egan. The 52-year-old Floridian (surprise) was hunting wild hog when he mistakenly shot his girlfriend thinking she was his target. Egan was hunting from a tent when he thought he heard a similar noise to that of his prey so he took a shot at it. Unfortunately the bullet hit his girlfriend/hunting partner Lisa Simmons. Awkward turtle. How can you stay together after this? Have you ever seen a wild hog? It looks like this:

Yea no coming back from that. Absolutely no chance you can ever answer “Honey do I look fat in this?” with a correct answer. Not to mention all your friends who haven’t met her yet. “Can’t come out tonight… got to hang with Lisa after I mistook her for a wild hog and shot her with a rifle.” Good luck with that one Steven maybe just stick with Big Buck Hunter next time.

An Idaho man has been charged with assault after he ordered a man to perform the “moonwalk” at gunpoint. Probably one of my top 5 favorite stories I have ever blogged about. Pretty much a walk-off. 30-year-old John Ernest Cross wants to see some MJ like its 1983 and pulls a shotgun out to show he isn’t messing around. Puts a whole new meaning on those Western films where they guy would shoot at a person’s feet and make them “dance.” Now tell me ‘Who’s bad.”

P.S. Science… Bring back Biggie.

I am getting to the age where a lot of my friends are either getting married or having children. I, on the other hand, am just getting more awesome but that is neither here nor there. For those of you who are on the latter portion of the friends and looking to pick out baby names; don’t do this. A suspect named Fellony was arrested and charged with, you guessed it, felony battery. Fellony Silas, allegedly smashed a glass on top of a woman’s head in an Indiana bar. I know that Malcolm Gladwell and Freakanomics already discussed this but seriously. I’m not saying just because your name is Fellony means you are going to be charged with a felony, but its safe to assume the deck is stacked against you.

A name isn’t the only time when you are sometimes just stuck. As a lawyer there are times when you have fantastic clients (like all of mine) and there are times when you are not so lucky. When you really are grasping for straws in an effort to defend your client. Don’t believe me? Just ask Vinoo Varghese. Varghese represents Richard Hovan, a former private school teacher, who is alleged to have an illegal relationship with a student. In trying to show that his client is a “good guy,” Varghese has entered Hovan’s 2003 appearance on The Price is Right as evidence. In the video, it is apparent that Hovan is happy and giggling and “You can see his genuine nature here.” Granted its not exactly ironclad evidence but its way better than if Richard Hovan would have been on Let’s Make a Deal. That show is just creepy.

Well that explains a lot. While you should not do any illegal drugs, I am surprised that being a mall Easter Bunny doesn’t qualifiy you for some sort of pill. Seriously, how depressing is being a mall Easter Bunny? Everyone loves Santa at the mall and he is usually an overweight drunk. You on the other hand, have to try to explain how it is normal (and not scary) for there to be a 6 foot tall rabbit handing out candy. Everyone knows that only creepos hand out candy for free. Santa gets to give hope to every little kid that they might get a Red Rider BB Gun meanwhile I don’t even know what the Easter Bunny talks about with kids. “What do you want for Easter?” That just sounds weird.

P.S. There is no doubt in my mind that the Tooth Fairy ratted him out.

A NYC couple is suing their former apartment building for money they had to spend on takeout while their gas was turned off. Beverly Taki and Louis Maione, claim they were forced to spend $27,000 on takeout food while their gas was out for 10 months. While the couple was paying a $5,700 monthly maintenance fee for their apartment, there was no work done to remedy the situation.

Personally I love food. I love to cook and eat and everything in between regarding food. However, I don’t even think I could order $27,000 bucks worth of take out in 10 months. From my rough calculations, that is approximately $90 bucks a day in take out. That is a lot of Chinese food and Za. Don’t get me wrong, I love the hustle by these two old timers, but 27 grand on food might be one of the most ridiculous things I have heard in a while. And that is saying something.

My loyal readers know my number one rule: Don’t drink and drive. Its bad news for you, and its bad news for everyone else. Just remember Bill Gunman’s Gun and Knife Show: “Call a buddy, bring a friend (who will be a designated driver.)” Matthew Tesson, didn’t get this message. Tesson, 46, was jailed after driving to a police station and demanding to be arrested because he was drunk. Tesson also had a suspended license and police found 10 different prescription pills in his car.

Ok two things. First, isn’t 46 a little old to still be called Matthew? Once you stop playing with blocks you stop being called Matthew. Second, I get that DARE taught you to take responsibility for your actions but that is Rule number 2. Rule number 1 is to not do them in the first place. A lot of people have had that feeling the next day, saying “I’m never going to do that again.” But they normally will do it again the next weekend. Matthew tried to take responsibility for himself while not being responsible.

FINALLY STEPHEN A. ARCENEAUX III, HAS COME BACK, TO WRESTLEMANIA. Unfortunately it didn’t last long. Arceneaux, was killed when his 14-year-old cousin choked him out while performing a “rear naked choke hold” during a Wrestlemania 28 party. Witnesses reported that Arceneaux did not “tap out.” That’s not surprising. No chance you are getting a tap out from me either. I’m not saying it would be fun to die, but there is no chance I am giving my cousin, who is ten years younger and weighs almost half as much as me, the satisfaction of making me tap out. Apparently Arceneaux didn’t say his prayers and take his vitamins. I would probably go Hulk Hogan style and not let my arm drop the third time the ref checks it. Hulkamania to the max.

As usual, Florida, and its residents, are losing at life. Jeffrey Lee Thompson, 28, has been charged with battery and disorderly conduct after knocking out an Applebee’s manager following his poor karaoke performance. “He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance,” said Melbourne, Florida police. “He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience.” As fellow customers began to complain, the manager pulled the plug on the music and that is when Thompson punched the manager.

Before I begin, let me just say this to all the journalist out there: how do you not find out what song is being played? It could literally make or break this story. If Thompson is belting out Wilson Phillips “Hold On” then he deserves to get booed. But if he is jamming to “Call Me Maybe” then you can’t pull the plug. Song is straight fire. Second, since when does Applebee’s have karaoke? If you are singing at an Applebee’s you are basically in the D League of karaoke joints. Jeffrey Lee Thompson is as delusional as they come in the karaoke game. Nobody wants to see your Chicken Wonton Taco while they are getting down on a 2 for $20. Nonetheless, as a legal tip, just because “There’s No Place Like The Neighborhood” doesn’t mean you can helicopter your body parts on stage.

Dating is difficult. Its tough to meet someone new when they have likely stalked you on Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/Linkedin/Pinterest/Juggalobook (and yes the Juggalos do have their own social media. Not sure if the I should set up a page on there for the Law Office yet). As Jeremy Grey said:

I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight.

Take Joakim Noah John Jardini for example. Jardini allegedly robbed a woman after she had gotten off the bus. During this exchange, Jardini then called her to see if she had a boyfriend and, if not, if she wanted to go out with him. Jardini then took it one step further when he tracked the girl down and assaulted her and her mother. Police call it “one of the strangest robberies they’ve investigated.”

Um how did he get her number? Somewhat of an important detail. Guy was just trying to play the “bad boy” routine. In this digital age you can’t just lean up against an I-roc, smoking a Marlboro Reds wearing a leather jacket. A true hopeless romantic will bait the hook by assaulting your mother and stealing $60 bucks. Then reel you in by calling the phone twice to ask to go out to dinner. At least it will be a nice dinner you know he has $60 bucks on him. Its not like he is going to take you out to Golden Corral. Sure today Jardini is facing multiple charges but when he sells the movie rights to Hollywood he won’t need to rob anyone anymore. I can see it now; Katherine Heigl and Ryan Gosling star in How He Stole My Heart.

Next, the woman who thought she met the guido of her dreams didn’t fair any better. An 18-year-old Floridian met  Florenciano Valentino at a party and he quickly asked her out on a date. She was obviously thrilled. However, that is when the red flags started to appear. First, he took her out for a lunch date. Nobody makes their first date a lunch date. Second, they went to Applebees. Classy. Then Valentino was late to their date because “he and a friend had hidden in a car and waited outside her home” until she left so they could proceed to rob her of $5,000 worth of electronics.

To make matters worse, when Valentino did arrive to the date, he was constantly using the girl’s iPhone to check in with his accomplice. As with any date there has to be a cherry on top. In this case, Valentino ditched on the bill and stole her iPhone. Ding Ding Ding. We have a early clubhouse leader for boyfriend of the year. Lawyerly tip: If you are not in high school and your first date is to an Applebee’s, it should also be your last date. I don’t know what riblets are but I sure don’t want to find out.

Finally, meet the Pullan’s from India AKA the world’s biggest albino family:

Am I the only one who thinks this might just be a white family who moved to India? Sure they look like Silas from the Da Vinci Code but they could just be from the cast of Sound of Music 2.

P.S. I’m not 100% convinced that the dad in the blazer isn’t Jim Gaffigan.

While San Francisco doesn’t crush cars with Astro-vans they do have plenty of crazy people to do the job. John Knight found this out the hard way when a “large naked woman” stoped through his Volvo windshield. Knight was driving down the street when a woman, wrapped in a blanket and surrounded by medical personnel, threw off the blanket and ran towards him. The lady, all 250 pounds of her, was only wearing sneakers when she climbed on the hood and began to smash the front window. Knight has stated he will not press charges.

How do you not press charges. I’m not even talking about the damage to the windshield. I’m talking about the emotional scars that John Knight will have whenever he closes his eyes. Some things cannot be unseen and Kelly Clarkson wearing shape-ups smashing my car window is one of them. Where was State Farm when you need them: “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there: with a Big Mac to lure this chick off my car.” Don’t believe me? Take a look:

Yikes.

P.S. What ever happened to Gravedigger? Do they still have Monster Trucks?

P.P.S. Don’t forget my Bitter Lawyer Post!

Mark Loescher should probably give up being crazy for lent. Loescher was arrested for assault in Naples, Florida (not a surprise if you read my BL Post) after he threatened a woman with a gun. Then things got bananas. Loescher told police he shouldn’t be arrested because he was Elvis Presley’s brother, a friend of President Bush, and the director of the CIA. Oh and did I mention he claims to be half orangutan. Like I said; bananas. He further requested that police take him to the “Fusion Center” to check his monkey blood.

I feel like the police need to pick their battles correctly on this one. Sure Mark Loescher is probably not Elvis’ brother or a friend of President Bush or the Director of the CIA but that doesn’t mean he isn’t half orangutan. I have seen those documentaries where orangutans have the strength of 10 men. No need to mess with any of that. Mark Loescher will jump on you like a spider-monkey if you aren’t careful. Not to mention what PETA is going to do with this guy. You think civil rights for Shamu was a headache just wait till they get wind of a half-man half-orangutan who was denied his access to the Fusion Center. If you are going to go crazy you might as well go full on crazy

I go ahead and say it: Jonah Maturure has given up enough for lent. The 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe lost part of his wedding tackle and broke some bones when a crocodile attacked him while attempting to cross a river. Apparently, Jonah had taken off his trousers and put them in a tomato box in order to cross the river. “I was not suspecting anything… But when I was almost in the middle of the river I was attacked, Maturure stated. “It mauled a chunk of my buttocks before attacking my manhood, tearing my testicles into shreds. The skin covering my manhood was partly torn but I quickly put my thumb in its mouth.” Yikes. Maturure then threw the tomato box into the river (how he held on to it for this long is beyond me). The crocodile then went after the box, probably saving his life.

Doesn’t Zimbabwe having Oregon Trail yet on their computers? You don’t have to pay the big bucks and use the ferry but you never attempt to ford the river. You got to caulk that tomato box and float across. Moreover, if you do get attacked in your tomato boat, forget about the produce and save your own tomatoes. Nonetheless, count your blessings today. No matter what you might be giving up for lent you likely aren’t losing James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater to a crocodile. So you got that going for you.