Happy Lent!! Hopefully for lent you are not giving up reading various Internet blogs (particularly this one and Bitter Lawyer). Nonetheless, today is a day in which you should count your blessings. This year I was going to give up making fun of dumb criminals, but then I would have nothing to write about and I feel like God probably is a fan of my prose. At least Old Testament God… that guy would love my stuff. Nonetheless, at least you have things to give up for lent. Some people don’t have as much.
Mark Loescher should probably give up being crazy for lent. Loescher was arrested for assault in Naples, Florida (not a surprise if you read my BL Post) after he threatened a woman with a gun. Then things got bananas. Loescher told police he shouldn’t be arrested because he was Elvis Presley’s brother, a friend of President Bush, and the director of the CIA. Oh and did I mention he claims to be half orangutan. Like I said; bananas. He further requested that police take him to the “Fusion Center” to check his monkey blood.
I feel like the police need to pick their battles correctly on this one. Sure Mark Loescher is probably not Elvis’ brother or a friend of President Bush or the Director of the CIA but that doesn’t mean he isn’t half orangutan. I have seen those documentaries where orangutans have the strength of 10 men. No need to mess with any of that. Mark Loescher will jump on you like a spider-monkey if you aren’t careful. Not to mention what PETA is going to do with this guy. You think civil rights for Shamu was a headache just wait till they get wind of a half-man half-orangutan who was denied his access to the Fusion Center. If you are going to go crazy you might as well go full on crazy
I go ahead and say it: Jonah Maturure has given up enough for lent. The 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe lost part of his wedding tackle and broke some bones when a crocodile attacked him while attempting to cross a river. Apparently, Jonah had taken off his trousers and put them in a tomato box in order to cross the river. “I was not suspecting anything… But when I was almost in the middle of the river I was attacked, Maturure stated. “It mauled a chunk of my buttocks before attacking my manhood, tearing my testicles into shreds. The skin covering my manhood was partly torn but I quickly put my thumb in its mouth.” Yikes. Maturure then threw the tomato box into the river (how he held on to it for this long is beyond me). The crocodile then went after the box, probably saving his life.
Doesn’t Zimbabwe having Oregon Trail yet on their computers? You don’t have to pay the big bucks and use the ferry but you never attempt to ford the river. You got to caulk that tomato box and float across. Moreover, if you do get attacked in your tomato boat, forget about the produce and save your own tomatoes. Nonetheless, count your blessings today. No matter what you might be giving up for lent you likely aren’t losing James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater to a crocodile. So you got that going for you.
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