First, a word of thanks. Yesterday I wrote my Bitter Lawyer post (read here) as I usually do on Mondays. I was unable to post it onto this website yesterday because there were some issues. Anyways, I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who sent me various messages (text, Facebook, etc.) regarding how much you all liked the post. I hope I make you laugh like this:
Dating is difficult. Its tough to meet someone new when they have likely stalked you on Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/Linkedin/Pinterest/Juggalobook (and yes the Juggalos do have their own social media. Not sure if the I should set up a page on there for the Law Office yet). As Jeremy Grey said:
I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight.
Take
Joakim Noah John Jardini for example. Jardini allegedly robbed a woman after she had gotten off the bus. During this exchange, Jardini then called her to see if she had a boyfriend and, if not, if she wanted to go out with him. Jardini then took it one step further when he tracked the girl down and assaulted her and her mother. Police call it “one of the strangest robberies they’ve investigated.”
Um how did he get her number? Somewhat of an important detail. Guy was just trying to play the “bad boy” routine. In this digital age you can’t just lean up against an I-roc, smoking a Marlboro Reds wearing a leather jacket. A true hopeless romantic will bait the hook by assaulting your mother and stealing $60 bucks. Then reel you in by calling the phone twice to ask to go out to dinner. At least it will be a nice dinner you know he has $60 bucks on him. Its not like he is going to take you out to Golden Corral. Sure today Jardini is facing multiple charges but when he sells the movie rights to Hollywood he won’t need to rob anyone anymore. I can see it now; Katherine Heigl and Ryan Gosling star in How He Stole My Heart.
Next, the woman who thought she met the guido of her dreams didn’t fair any better. An 18-year-old Floridian met Florenciano Valentino at a party and he quickly asked her out on a date. She was obviously thrilled. However, that is when the red flags started to appear. First, he took her out for a lunch date. Nobody makes their first date a lunch date. Second, they went to Applebees. Classy. Then Valentino was late to their date because “he and a friend had hidden in a car and waited outside her home” until she left so they could proceed to rob her of $5,000 worth of electronics.
To make matters worse, when Valentino did arrive to the date, he was constantly using the girl’s iPhone to check in with his accomplice. As with any date there has to be a cherry on top. In this case, Valentino ditched on the bill and stole her iPhone. Ding Ding Ding. We have a early clubhouse leader for boyfriend of the year. Lawyerly tip: If you are not in high school and your first date is to an Applebee’s, it should also be your last date. I don’t know what riblets are but I sure don’t want to find out.
Finally, meet the Pullan’s from India AKA the world’s biggest albino family:
Am I the only one who thinks this might just be a white family who moved to India? Sure they look like Silas from the Da Vinci Code but they could just be from the cast of Sound of Music 2.
P.S. I’m not 100% convinced that the dad in the blazer isn’t Jim Gaffigan.
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